Kids who Experience conflict in the Home are more Likely to…

In today’s world, parents know to keep their children safe from psychological harm. We may wish that we could control the books they read, the music they listen to, and the TV shows they watch, solely because we fear the negative influence that media can have on their development. But surprisingly enough, many parents don’t see themselves and their relationships as external influences on children. In truth, children who experience parental conflict are often at a higher risk for a number of psychological and behavioral problems.
This is especially the case when it comes to couples who clash in parenting style. Research from Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, by Dr. James H. Bray, shows that behavioral problems are more likely to occur in children whose parents have differing opinions on parenting style. For example, if one parent is very strict and the other lets the kids do anything they want, it can lead to disagreements as well as confusion on the part of the children. But even when disagreements aren’t over parenting issues, excessive parental conflict still hurts children.
There are three main negative responses that children have towards parental conflict:
First, the child’s emotional security may plummet. A child needs emotional safety and security in order to thrive academically and socially. The environment in the home between the parents creates that sense of security. That’s the child’s world. When there is conflict, argument, and ension between the parents, that basically shatters the secure safety net of the children.
Secondly, children may blame themselves for the conflict. In a child’s mind, the world revolves around their actions. When they hear their parents arguing, they may be convinced that it is their fault even if it has nothing at all to do with them. When the conflict does revolve around discipline issues, the child can feel even more guilt.
The third possible response that children might have to parental conflict is to act out. If a parent wants a misbehaving or unmotivated child to come to a therapy session, I would  see the child and parents together for a family session first. The child is often reacting to what’s going on between the parents. And sometimes, this may sound shocking, but children act up on purpose in order to get their parents to get their act together. They know psychologically that the parents are not on the same page, and they want to force their parents to try to deal with them. Once you see better parental communication, more observable warmth and respect and love between the parents, the children simply calm down.

How to Feel Good About Yourself in Sixty Seconds

The appreciation of your Tzelem Elokim  or Godly “self” leads to an holistic wholeness and inner tranquility. This is known as your “neshama (soul) state”. This is your state of homestasis-a state of equilibrium and inner contentment. I call it the neshama state because it is the state of being which is aligned with Hashem. When in this state you are put in the state of “being” that Hashem intended for you as your Godly state because, while in this state, you are feeling connected to Hashem. This is a state of “daas”-knowledge of God-rather than merely belief in G-d. In this state you are experiencing Hashem-you are experiencing your own Tzelem Elokim. This is your closest connection to Hashem- and you feel relaxed, calm, at peace. It is called Dveikus-connection state. You feel a sense of shleimus-wholeness-in this state everything is clear-you can do anything.

You can put yourself into your Neshama State by experiencing your finest Godly midah-attribute. You can access this state by first imagining a beautiful landscape or place that you find relaxing and rejuvenating. It may be the Grand Canyon, the beach or a sunset in Israel. Go to that place in your mind and describe the landscape to yourself with all its colors, sounds and scents. Feel the place. Experience the sense of calm and relaxation that you feel in this place. Now, realize that the reason you have this feeling of calm which arises when you go to this place of external beauty is because it merely reflects the Grand Canyon, the beach or the sunset, that resides in your inner self. Search your mind, psyche and soul and find the warmest, most sensitive and relaxed part of yourself. That is the Grand Canyon, beach or sunset within you.

This feeling of wholeness and wholesomeness inside your psyche is there because the Grand Canyon inside you—which means your highest and best sense of inner calm--- represents and actually is an  awareness and consciousness of your highest and best attribute-your midda tova. When you are at the Grand Canyon or experiencing the stunning sunset, you feel one with the world—one with God’s creation. You feel whole because you are aligned with God’s world.  On a deeper level, the real reason you feel whole is because the Grand Canyon or the sunset is triggering and awakening a deeper part of your self—your best and highest attribute.

WE feel calm and expansive when we see a beautiful place because it mirrors your own beautiful place, inside. When we focus and contemplate this place-the place where our best attributes reside –the core of our real selves-then we experience shleimus. This is the real you. Now you8 can feel good about yourself—because you now have an awareness of true value within yourself. That is your intrinsic Godly value

How so? Hashem is the only true Reality in the universe because He relies on no one-he is totally independent of any other cause. He is the First Cause (Rambam-Hilchos Yesodei Hatorah 1:1) and therefore is the only true independent Reality. Hashem blew an aspect of His Independent Reality into you-when He created your neshama. Your neshama is a breath from Hashem-as neshama comes from the word neshima-breath. So the only REAL part of you is that part which reflects the true Reality-Hashem. What do we know about the reality that is Hashem? Only that which He has told us about Himself-that He is

Hashem, Hashem,Kel, Rachum, VChanun, Erech Apayim, Rav Chesed V’Emes, Notzer Chessed L’alaphim, Noseh Avon, Vaphesha, V’Chataah Vnakeih…..Shmos

That part of you which is your highest and best attribute –which is a reflection of Hashem’s attributes-is the real part of you. When you are conscious of and when you live these attributes then you are bringing G-d into the world through your bechirah-your free will. These attributes, when brought into human terms, are:

Hashem Hashem-consistency, never giving up, perseverance
Kel-Power and Leadership
Rachum-Compassion
Chanun-Graciousness, Empathy, Sincerity
Erech Apayim-Patient, Mellow, Laid Back
Rav Chessed-Loving-kindness
Emes-Truth
Nozer Chessed-Creativity with ideas, music, art
Noseh Avon Vaphesah VChataah-Forgiving nature
Nakei-Purity-the real overall reason you were sent into the world. (The discovery of this reason takes a lifetime, so be patient)

When you contemplate, recognize and activate that attribute- the real part of your “self”, then you are truly alive-and that is why you feel shleimus. When you are in this state of being nothing can throw you off track-because you are connected with truth-you know the truth. Thus is what daas means-knowledge means connection-or chibur-to the truth.

You don’t believe it to be true-you know it is true.

In this state of being, doubts and “thinking” are irrelevant. Thoughts are merely electrical impulses form the brain-they are not real. Sometimes you have positive thoughts which lead to good feeling, good mood and positive sensations in your body. Sometimes we have anxious thoughts, which lead to tense feelings, a depressed mood and stress in your body. Thoughts fluctuate and cause our moods to fluctuate. These thoughts are part of the world of fantasy-they are not real. The way to avoid the mood swings brought on by fluctuating anxious thoughts is to leave your head space-leave your thoughts-and go to your neshama state. There, no thoughts are relevant-because you are connected to truth itself-to your G-dly self.

Rabbi Roll Marriage Challenge #1

Take the Rabbi Roll Challenge: Zero Criticism of Your Spouse for 48 Hours.

The purpose of marriage is not love, rather, it is emotional security. For that to happen you need to trust that your spouse will not hurt you, emotionally, with criticism, digs or potshots.  When you criticize your spouse you breach that trust. You poison the basic trust and safety of the relationship. And the relationship shuts down. Call it, “we grew apart” or call it, “we are not in love anymore” but the real cause is criticism.

So, if my spouse is doing something wrong am I just supposed to ignore it? Unless you are getting hurt, yes, ignore it. If it is something that bothers you---well, let it not bother you. That is up to you and your own sense of positive self. That can be worked on and we will-in future blogs. Or go my site www.12steps2selfesteem.org and work on yourself. If you felt good about yourself, it would not bother you. You would not feel the need to comment or critique your spouse. Above all, you cannot use the word, ‘YOU…’ It will put your spouse on the defensive and will force her to response with a comment of her own.  Rather, use the word, “I”. For example, “I am feeling distant, sad, frustrated.” Your spouse will likely respond by saying, “Oh, I am sorry you are feeling that way. How can I help?” Then you can talk it through.

The reason people marry is not to find happiness. That’s what the jewelers tell you. They want you to believe that so they can make you even happier by selling you a diamond. The bigger the diamond the more happiness because he shows he loves you, even more. WRONG. Things are not the basis of love. The real reason we get married is to find acceptance and validation. The workplace, peer relationships, and family intrigue can be tough to navigate. In marriage we seek a place of emotional safety and security. In a good marriage we should be able to be ourselves without being told that we are not good enough. Where else can you expect to find a safe haven from the competition and turmoil of life, than in your own home?

So here is the Rabbi Roll Challenge: Zero Criticism of your spouse for 48 hours. No direct or indirect negativity. Just positive feedback and compliments of the good stuff your spouse does. . This will detox your marriage from negativity and allow some breathing space. Get back to me in 48 hours.