Kids who Experience conflict in the Home are more Likely to…

In today’s world, parents know to keep their children safe from psychological harm. We may wish that we could control the books they read, the music they listen to, and the TV shows they watch, solely because we fear the negative influence that media can have on their development. But surprisingly enough, many parents don’t see themselves and their relationships as external influences on children. In truth, children who experience parental conflict are often at a higher risk for a number of psychological and behavioral problems.
This is especially the case when it comes to couples who clash in parenting style. Research from Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, by Dr. James H. Bray, shows that behavioral problems are more likely to occur in children whose parents have differing opinions on parenting style. For example, if one parent is very strict and the other lets the kids do anything they want, it can lead to disagreements as well as confusion on the part of the children. But even when disagreements aren’t over parenting issues, excessive parental conflict still hurts children.
There are three main negative responses that children have towards parental conflict:
First, the child’s emotional security may plummet. A child needs emotional safety and security in order to thrive academically and socially. The environment in the home between the parents creates that sense of security. That’s the child’s world. When there is conflict, argument, and ension between the parents, that basically shatters the secure safety net of the children.
Secondly, children may blame themselves for the conflict. In a child’s mind, the world revolves around their actions. When they hear their parents arguing, they may be convinced that it is their fault even if it has nothing at all to do with them. When the conflict does revolve around discipline issues, the child can feel even more guilt.
The third possible response that children might have to parental conflict is to act out. If a parent wants a misbehaving or unmotivated child to come to a therapy session, I would  see the child and parents together for a family session first. The child is often reacting to what’s going on between the parents. And sometimes, this may sound shocking, but children act up on purpose in order to get their parents to get their act together. They know psychologically that the parents are not on the same page, and they want to force their parents to try to deal with them. Once you see better parental communication, more observable warmth and respect and love between the parents, the children simply calm down.

Rabbi Roll Marriage Challenge #1

Take the Rabbi Roll Challenge: Zero Criticism of Your Spouse for 48 Hours.

The purpose of marriage is not love, rather, it is emotional security. For that to happen you need to trust that your spouse will not hurt you, emotionally, with criticism, digs or potshots.  When you criticize your spouse you breach that trust. You poison the basic trust and safety of the relationship. And the relationship shuts down. Call it, “we grew apart” or call it, “we are not in love anymore” but the real cause is criticism.

So, if my spouse is doing something wrong am I just supposed to ignore it? Unless you are getting hurt, yes, ignore it. If it is something that bothers you---well, let it not bother you. That is up to you and your own sense of positive self. That can be worked on and we will-in future blogs. Or go my site www.12steps2selfesteem.org and work on yourself. If you felt good about yourself, it would not bother you. You would not feel the need to comment or critique your spouse. Above all, you cannot use the word, ‘YOU…’ It will put your spouse on the defensive and will force her to response with a comment of her own.  Rather, use the word, “I”. For example, “I am feeling distant, sad, frustrated.” Your spouse will likely respond by saying, “Oh, I am sorry you are feeling that way. How can I help?” Then you can talk it through.

The reason people marry is not to find happiness. That’s what the jewelers tell you. They want you to believe that so they can make you even happier by selling you a diamond. The bigger the diamond the more happiness because he shows he loves you, even more. WRONG. Things are not the basis of love. The real reason we get married is to find acceptance and validation. The workplace, peer relationships, and family intrigue can be tough to navigate. In marriage we seek a place of emotional safety and security. In a good marriage we should be able to be ourselves without being told that we are not good enough. Where else can you expect to find a safe haven from the competition and turmoil of life, than in your own home?

So here is the Rabbi Roll Challenge: Zero Criticism of your spouse for 48 hours. No direct or indirect negativity. Just positive feedback and compliments of the good stuff your spouse does. . This will detox your marriage from negativity and allow some breathing space. Get back to me in 48 hours.