Self - Part 2

Now that we discussed the importance of a tree’s roots, a second aspect of a tree is its species or type. There are many trees, including, for example, eucalyptus, birch and oak trees. As with different types of trees so, too, there are different personality types; outgoing, warm, shy and generous, etc. If the spine or trunk of the tree gives a tree its strength, what is my strength? What do I stand for? What are my values?

Sometimes even at the time of a  person’s death it is unclear to relatives what the deceased stood for, what their values were. When the unfortunate happens and I have to conduct a funeral I ask the family what they would like me to include in the eulogy. I ask the next of kin to describe the deceased for me and to tell me his or her values.

“What was the theme of his life?” I will ask. “What did she stand for? What is the most important idea or message that he taught you about life? How is the world a better place now because of her life?”

Often the family members give me a puzzled look. “Well,” said one, “My mother loved to play bridge and loved the theatre.”

“That is helpful,” I would say, “but is that what you want me to use in the eulogy? Bridge and theatre?”

“What do you mean by ‘theme’ of her life?” they will ask.

In order to drive the point home I would usually have to say, “What was the legacy that the deceased taught you, that you can now give over to your children? That is a tough question. Or is it?

Isn’t that the question that we should be asking ourselves during the developing stages of our lifetime, rather than only at the end? What contribution am I making to my family, community and ultimately to society? What makes me unique? In essence, what is the special mission that I was put into this world to accomplish? That is an ongoing question which we need to place within our consciousness.

Each person has a special contribution to make to society. Not everyone can discover the vaccine for polio or cure cancer. What, however, is my unique mission or responsibility within my corner of the world? I can and do have an important influence and I do affect the lives of the members of my family, friends and community. My actions have a ripple effect on others. I should not underestimate the significant affect I can and do have on those around me.

In order to figure out what I am doing here, I have to take an inventory of my good qualities and strengths. Write them down. They could include qualities like: caring, compassionate, courageous, friendly and resilient. Based on an honest appraisal of my strengths, set in the context of my personal circumstances, I can begin analyzing what contribution I am expected to make. How can I use my talents and abilities to change my community for the better? How can I make my life count?

Each of us must constantly take stock of our abilities and ask ourselves: am I making the highest and best use of my personality, both in my  personal, family, and community life and in my professional, and business life? Once I am aware of the contribution I can make, then I can begin to become aware that not only do I have value and intrinsic worth just because I “am” but that I am also “competent.” I am a capable individual who can make a difference in the lives of others. This is what is called “making a name for oneself” in the world. This awareness—that I am a capable and competent individual—is the second component of self-esteem.

The third part of a tree is its crown, comprising its branches, leaves, blossoms and fruit.

This is the dynamic part of the tree that visibly changes from season to season. The crown of the individual represents a person’s deeds or actions. The root system, the core of my self-esteem, establishes my value by virtue of just “being” rather than doing or accomplishing. I have worth because I am part of the world and I am a player on the stage of life. I am okay merely because I am here.

Appreciating just “being” and being aware of my independent self-value is the root of my “tree” of life. Secondly, I have a trunk—which means that I have a name by which others identify me by. Being aware that I am a capable individual and that I am competent to provide my unique contribution is symbolized by the type of tree I am-the talents and abilities that give my tree its unique “name” or substance. 

The third, or crowning part of my self-esteem is actually getting out there and doing whatever I’ve decided is my contribution. This is the action part of the self. The part of the tree that is seen by others to be growing or moving are the branches, leaves and fruit—the symbol of the applied self. I am going to apply my self-concept and actualize my potential through pro-actively contributing meaningfully to my relationships, my workplace and my community. So here you can see a complete model of the roots, trunk and branches of the self-esteem tree.

Just before a child learns to crawl forwards, the child can often be seen crawling backwards. “Hey kiddo, you’re going the wrong way.” Just before the child learns to walk, there is often a frustrating period as the child wants to achieve something new but just doesn’t quite have the ability to actualize his or her potential  to get from point A to point B. Then, suddenly there is a breakthrough-a burst of steps—a flurry of activity to leave the security of the couch and to venture out “where no baby has gone before.” The middle of the living room-without holding on!

This model can be applied to personal growth. Immediately before a graduation to the next level of personality growth there is often a period of introspection, reflection, even frustration. I may be stuck on a certain issue or  personality weakness  which I would like to graduate from, or change. I know where I want to get to, but I just can’t imagine getting over this hurdle. Sometimes it is even comforting to stay at my current level because I know it, am “comfortable” with it, and I can get away with functioning at a level short of my potential. After all, greater growth leads to more responsibility. This kind of thinking often leaves one confused, frustrated and in a state of inner turmoil.

The same model can be found in nature. Immediately before the renewing rains of spring there is a blustery, snow-swept winter. Nothing grows. The wind cuts through my coat. I wonder when “all this” is going to end. It is a time of introspection and inner reflection. I contemplate the coming thaw. It is a frustrating time, but it need not be.

If  I “make friends” with the wintry period of my life and accept that this is a “down” time, then I need not fight it. Just like nature needs a time of dormant reflection, so do I. I can remind myself that without winter there can be no spring. Then I can put the “low” period of my spiritual metabolism into the perspective of  the changing seasons. Hang in there, spring is coming. The springtime of my spiritual being is also coming.

This is where character growth comes into play. The winter-or difficult period- was necessary to cause me to reflect upon my life and where it is going. It is necessary that I take a breather and get a perspective on my life and my priorities, just as an artist steps back from his canvas to evaluate the dimensions of his painting. Similarly, I can use the wintry period to step back and take stock of my strengths and weaknesses and “where I can go grow from here.” 

Beyond Self Esteem - Find The Self First

Have you ever wondered how the Japanese Bonsai tree stays so perfectly small? Does the botanist clip the new sprouts every day with a tiny pair of scissors? Guess again. The secret lies in trimming the roots of the Bonsai tree. The crown of the tree matches the root system. Long roots give you a wide crown of branches. Short roots lead to short branches.

Just as roots are the foundation of a tree’s growth, the root of my spiritual center is my self-esteem. If I see myself as a person of value and worth, then this will be reflected in my mindset and attitude. I will be able to approach any challenge with a positive “yes, I can” attitude.

How do I acquire a positive self-image if I have carried a negative self image with me for years? I was never quite good enough in the eyes of my parents, I never achieved that “potential” that my teachers wrote about in my school report cards, my friends really never included me in the “with it” or “in” crowd. How am I going to transform many years of knocks and blows to my self-concept into a self-respecting one?

Let’s delve deeper into our spiritual center to see if we can activate our self-esteem. Get into regression mode.  Write down on a piece of paper the ways which, during your childhood and teenage years people “put you down.”

Now, let’s do a relaxation exercise. Sitting in a comfortable chair or lying on a bed, relax by sending your mind into your toes—now relax the muscles in your neck by massaging your neck from the “inside” with your mind. You do this by breathing in deeply through your nose and  holding that breath for 3 seconds. As your breathe in tense up the muscles in your neck. As you exhale let go of the tension in your neck. Breathe out through your mouth for seven seconds. This is called body breathing. Your neck should feel open, released and relaxed. Your neck should begin to feel light and tingle. This should take about twenty to thirty  seconds. Now move your mind up to your back, breathe in and tense up your back muscles and then exhale and release them. Now do the same for the rest of the muscle  groups in your body-legs,  abdomen, stomach, shoulders, face and even your mind! Tense up your brain and then let go…of your thoughts. Let them float away. Feel a sense of release and relief and relaxation.  This should take a further three minutes.

Now, while in this state of relaxation, take yourself back to the age you were when a particular person “put you down” and imagine that person standing in front of you. Go to that place, the age you were then…be “there.” Now, tell that person what you always wanted to say but never had the opportunity. Try to do it in a calm and even tone. Go on—have a conversation. Say what you always wanted to say but never did. Speak to the individual and set the situation straight.

What would he say in response to you? Say it out loud. Respond to him or her again. By engaging in this “conversation” you will be reliving the experience and you will be able to fix up the emotional pain retroactively.

This is a gestalt therapy technique where you can relive the past and release the emotional pain that has remained locked in your soul. Now, on the count of five, slowly come back to the present. Open your eyes. You have now initiated the process of healing.

Let me share with you a self-esteem exercise which is outlined in detail by Dr. Nathaniel Branden in his book, How to Improve Your Self-Esteem (Bantam Books, New York, 1987). While you are in this “earlier age consciousness,” become aware that those “put down” experiences may have become incorporated into your developing identity and self-concept. By doing so you can get in touch with those negative feelings. You feel the vulnerable child within you. It is called the “inner child”.

Now, come back to your adult self and reach out and give that inner  child or teenager—which is you—only younger, a warm hug. Tell the child or teenager within you that it will be okay. Make friends with the child or teenager in yourself. Embrace the child or teenager as you would care for your own child. Begin to accept that child or teenager as being an earlier version of you.

Accepting or coming to terms with yourself, and realizing that you have intrinsic worth and value, are prerequisites for reprogramming yourself with basic self-esteem. You are valuable just by “being”, as opposed to “doing”. Now, your root system can once again extend into the soil or foundation of your psyche and begin to anchor your identity and self-concept with positive feelings and energy.