Rabbi Roll Marriage Challenge #1

Take the Rabbi Roll Challenge: Zero Criticism of Your Spouse for 48 Hours.

The purpose of marriage is not love, rather, it is emotional security. For that to happen you need to trust that your spouse will not hurt you, emotionally, with criticism, digs or potshots.  When you criticize your spouse you breach that trust. You poison the basic trust and safety of the relationship. And the relationship shuts down. Call it, “we grew apart” or call it, “we are not in love anymore” but the real cause is criticism.

So, if my spouse is doing something wrong am I just supposed to ignore it? Unless you are getting hurt, yes, ignore it. If it is something that bothers you---well, let it not bother you. That is up to you and your own sense of positive self. That can be worked on and we will-in future blogs. Or go my site www.12steps2selfesteem.org and work on yourself. If you felt good about yourself, it would not bother you. You would not feel the need to comment or critique your spouse. Above all, you cannot use the word, ‘YOU…’ It will put your spouse on the defensive and will force her to response with a comment of her own.  Rather, use the word, “I”. For example, “I am feeling distant, sad, frustrated.” Your spouse will likely respond by saying, “Oh, I am sorry you are feeling that way. How can I help?” Then you can talk it through.

The reason people marry is not to find happiness. That’s what the jewelers tell you. They want you to believe that so they can make you even happier by selling you a diamond. The bigger the diamond the more happiness because he shows he loves you, even more. WRONG. Things are not the basis of love. The real reason we get married is to find acceptance and validation. The workplace, peer relationships, and family intrigue can be tough to navigate. In marriage we seek a place of emotional safety and security. In a good marriage we should be able to be ourselves without being told that we are not good enough. Where else can you expect to find a safe haven from the competition and turmoil of life, than in your own home?

So here is the Rabbi Roll Challenge: Zero Criticism of your spouse for 48 hours. No direct or indirect negativity. Just positive feedback and compliments of the good stuff your spouse does. . This will detox your marriage from negativity and allow some breathing space. Get back to me in 48 hours.